Mum rang tonight, while I was preparing dinner. She asked if I saw the news tonight. I said no, and that I avoid watching the 6pm news as its quite depressing.
She mentioned the name of a kid I went to school with, and mentioned a story which was pretty major news. I remember him as a child, at school. Mum mentioned what a bully he seemed to be then. I said he was a cunt. Then followed it up with another short burst of expletives. I can imagine my mother felt the same way, but is a lot more refrained than I in these circumstances.
I apologised to her. I did however feel quite agitated by it all for a good couple of hours after I hung up the phone.
I have a vivid picture in my head of his dark curly hair, and his messy school uniform. I feel haunted by that mental image since my mother mentioned it. To be honest I wouldn’t have made the connection of the name in the paper to the child I knew when I was 6 years old.
I’m tired and restless. I’m struggling to get through days at the moment. There’s just so much that needs to be done, on a personal, work, other work, and other projects level. Then I come home, am social for a while, but end up sitting in my room on my own, TV on, Daily Show with the sound off, trolling the Internet for forms of social interaction.
I keep thinking I want my every day life to be a certain way, but the practical me, tells me now is not the time do look for that.
The practical me gets far too much say in how I am these days. When I was 20 the practical me wasn’t allowed a say in things. I had a damn good time mostly, but I don’t think I was any happier.
I am also a queen of sabotage.
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